And just like the booze, your are my poison
by CarlaConnorFic
Summary: Because becoming addicted can become addictive


That smell of stale booze penetrated the clear air of the room as he lay mangled beneath the crumpled sheet, his bold torso encaging the poisons and toxins he had pumped into it only a few hours before. Beneath his flesh his body trying desperately to re cleanse and dispose of the vicious poisons yet another time, in the long line of many before. He winced in his sleep, drawing his legs closer to his chest and crumpled his brow slightly as whilst he lay almost lifeless outside his insides were working overtime, desperate to recover from this state he had once again found himself in.

How ironic she thought and almost laughed, only this wasn't funny, truth be told it was far from. She placed herself lightly besides him on the bed. Ironic she thought of how he lay, oblivious to the fight his internal organs were up against, trying with there all to fight off anything that may be harmful, was harmful, destroying and evil. Of course she meant the booze yes but right there and then she sighed as she recognised this pattern of behaviour. Only a few months ago she had saw it once more in him, only this time not from within, how a few months ago he had fought to reject, deny and discard anything that he thought may have caused him harm, which scared him, that terrified him in fact. Just like his addiction to the alcohol, he was addicted elsewhere. Ironic how she recognised time and time again his desperate need for this poison would eventually overpower his inner strength and willpower, and as she recognised the similarities between the relationship with his addiction and his lover, herself. And that day when this man who lay before her had finally given into his own ignorance and finally admitted it was in fact her loved, she knew for a long time she had ran through his bloodstream, deep beneath his skin just as the booze did within his system right now.

Just like the booze, she closed her eyes tight now as she couldn't stop her mind from racing. Exactly like that evil, venomous alcohol he knew giving in was not the best option, the worst in fact but to him she wasn't some bottle of dangerous liquid that one day would kill him, no. To him she was exactly like it, yes; understanding, comforting and she grew to become his release, but she wouldn't kill him and accepting that proved to be one of the hardest things he had ever had to do. Accepting this meant he had to accept that just like the booze, he had fallen for her, hard. Accepting the fact that his new addiction had become his new found love proved harder than he thought and the easiest escape for him once again had been the drink, she knew this, she knew it was wrong yet she somehow couldn't stop herself pushing him closer and closer.

She glanced down at him as he stirred lightly in his sleep and stroked the side of his cheek with the pads of her fingers. How had her life become this? She barley recognised herself anymore a feeling she herself was all too familiar with, but recently just as she had finally started to pull her life back together it was there again, IT was back to haunt her, taunt her and test her. This evil demon of hers, recurrent and so familiar was back once more and it hit her where it always really hurt, right in her hand, and she would reach for her own bottle of medicine. She herself would grasp hold so tight and not let go until she completely obliterated every ounce of heartache and pain she had ever felt within her soul. Or so she though, how wrong could she have been?

She placed a delicate kiss upon the end of his nose as she fought back the overpowering urge to reach for her next glass, followed by the pang of guilt closely afterwards. Because just like him she longed for that one thing in her life she could rely on, truly embrace and take comfort in but unlike him she knew that whilst for a short time, a quick fix the alcohol would do that, in the long run it would only turn and eventually destroy you completely. It had proven one rough and rocky road trying against all her urge to reject that one thing she knew would and could numb her, but again just like the bottle, this relationship had become one dangerous yet irresistible addiction.

She stood up now, covering her mouth as she fought hard to contain the sobs that were desperate to escape. She had to be strong, she just had to, if he couldn't then who would? Everything she had ever done for him was absolutely and categorically out of love, so now she couldn't give in, she had to follow this through and stick to her guns in not for anything other than her unconditional love for him. They wasn't alone in this relationship and it was time to stop being so selfish. Ha selfish she almost laughed aloud it could be her middle name. She couldn't hurt him any longer, hurting him only meant hurting herself . . . and there it was again self-pity, she despised how it always managed to stick its ugly head into everything. As if on que once again there it was, that urge to reach out and drown her every last sorrow, it was stood before her, talking to her, egging her on. If only he was conscious she could talk to him, only he wasn't, no. Lay in a state she could only at this moment in time envy him of, she turned her back partly in disgust as she fought all the more to hold back her tears. How dare it do this to them, that bastard, that bastard had brought them together and it sure as hell would tear them apart if she allowed it to.

A small smile graced her lips as her next line of thoughts flashed through her mind, almost startling her. All those years had passed and yet here she was, stood many moons on and only now, only now did it dawn on her. She was about to lose him, another 'Him' only this time she had control and it was her and her decisions whom would lose 'him'. She glanced towards her wardrobe and felt the smile leave her face, instead overcome with sadness. She walked towards and pulled open the wooden doors. She couldn't help but wish, wish that if she placed his shirt over the chair then he would enter there room, like old times. Hug her and tell her how thankful she and he were together. NO, NO. HE left her, he chose to be unfaithful and karma certainly caught up with him. If only she knew back then what she knew now, God how things would have been different. He would still be her, her darling, her everything only just like everyone and everything she had ever loved, he also was ripped from her, no control what so ever.

No one ever understood how she became after that night, no one. Only IT somehow did, IT knew exactly how to deal with the pain and agony; it also knew exactly how to manipulate her. IT would numb her, tsunami her thoughts, freeze her grief. And this alone, this is why she could reach out and connect so tightly with him now lay before her. He apart from the bottle, he alone understood her, had the ability to drag her from down there, wallowing in self-pity, suffocating in self-destruct.

She walked over to him now as the tears cascade down her cheeks and placed her hand on top of his. She had to this, this was being strong and strength would one day over rule all emotions. As a child she had vowed never to make the same mistakes as her own mother, failing miserably on the booze addiction she knew now was the time to fix things, start again and remake that promise.

"Peter". She whispered beneath a sob. "I love you so much baby it actually hurts, but I have to do this one day you will understand . . . I promise". She sniffled and wiped her nose as she grasped his hand with her other, resting it on her lower stomach.  
"I love you Peter. . . WE love you". She sobbed, "WE always will love you, goodbye baby . . . goodbye Daddy".  
She stood from the bed just glancing down for a few seconds before turning on her heel and leaving her room, stopping in the hallway and watching him sleep for one last time. She picked a small bag from the living room floor and composed herself in the mirror, wiping her tears. This was it, this was the first day of the rest of her life, no more hurt, pain, deceit or heartache, today was the day she left both her addictions behind and vowed just as she did as a child 'Learn from my mums mistakes to prevent making my own, become a stronger woman and a better mother'. And with one last look around her flat Carla left to start her life as exactly that, a stronger woman and most importantly a mother, a dman sight better than her own!


End file.
